A Monday with a Case of the Mondays

Sometimes I’ll have a Monday so messy I just have to laugh.

So that’s what we’re doing here.

Mondays are the worst as it is. Especially coming off a phenomenal multiday trip to my personal version of Never Never Land.

But this week’s Monday definitely had its own case of the Mondays.

I mean, it’s not everyday that a complete stranger calls you a ho bag, am I right?

In chronological order:

When the Internet Acts Like A Toddler

When I was in my early 20s, I refused to pay for the internet.

Now that I’m in my late 30s, I rely on it for work.

Today, the internet decided to take a sick day. My phone’s hotspot didn’t feel like it either. And I was too annoyed and tired to call Xfinity so they can tell me it’s my modem and not their fault.

Here’s how that call probably would’ve gone down.

Me to Xfinity: My internet isn’t working.

Xfinity: Did you restart the modem.

Me: Duh.

Xfinity: Sorry, but everything on our end seems fine. It’s definitely you and not me. Byeeeee.

This is the point when I decided get dressed and to go to the office.

An Unexpected Condom War

When it’s a Monday morning, your internet has stopped working, and you need to finish folding your laundry so you can go to the office, the last thing you expect to encounter is a condom.

Here I was, minding my own business folding my laundry like the functional adult that I clearly am, and I felt a strange package.

I unveiled a small, smooth package, which had stayed surprisingly intact through both washing and drying.

“What the fuck?” I thought.

Then I realized.

This was one of two condoms my friends and I laughed about finding in the camper this past weekend.

CONDOM PRANK!

I once wrapped a bulk box of condoms for Maggie at one of her baby showers, so this is more an appropriate prank than these other two turds could even realize.

But also, this means war.

Butt Stains

After 5 nights of camping, I put on a favorite casual dress. Dresses are my loophole to having to wear real pants.

Then I headed to my dad’s on the way to the office (this particular Monday happens to be his birthday).

I bought him this fantastically appropriate sweatshirt and wanted to deliver it, despite the irony of it being 17 million degrees out today.

So picture my arriving at his house completely soaked with sweat. Poor dress. You were clean for about 2 seconds.

It just occurred to me that I didn’t even bother to wrap the sweatshirt and he didn’t seem to notice. Very “Link” of us.

I visited for an hour, only to get up and realize that poor dress had a special visitor:

Aunt Motherfucking Flo.

Fuck.

Fuck you Flo!

So I abruptly decided I needed to leave. I mean, I also needed to get to my office, but the sense of urgency increased significantly upon discovering my unwelcome visitor.

Thankfully I had a gym bag packed for later, so a change of clothes wasn’t terribly difficult once I got to my office.

That’s right. I’m at my office in bike shorts.

Dudes reading, sorry for the TMI, but also take a moment to be grateful you don’t have to deal with this shit.

Cleavage Coffee

During my drive, I took a drink of coffee, and grew a hole in my lip.

Most of the coffee dribbled down my face and into my cleavage.

So by this point, I had a nice stain on my ass and a coffee spill in between my boobs.

This is definitely the sexiest blog post I’ve ever written.

Wrong Ho Bag

When I arrived at my office, I did the ol’ high school trick of tying a hoodie around my waist, grabbed my crap, and as I was crossing the street to go inside, I heard:

“Hey ho bag, get in here!”

A gal stood in the doorway to the liquor store and was staring right at me.

Not till after I said, “me?” did she realize I’m not her ho bag, at which time she walked up to me to explain.

I tried to comfort her by telling her I once called a girl I didn’t know a dildo.

True story.

That didn’t seem to comfort her as much as I had hoped, but nonetheless, I insisted it was more than okay and wished her a fun afternoon.

Honestly, if I weren’t so tired and needing to work, I would’ve invited myself to hang out with her because we could’ve totally been friends in real life.

Is that weird? Oh well if it is.

Also. It definitely wasn’t lost on me that she was talking to me while I hid a stained ass and as coffee was drying to my boobs.

Maybe she would’ve felt more comforted if I’d told her that. Probably not.

Now, I realize Monday isn’t over yet, but at least I’m enjoying clean clothes, macaroni salad with a spoon, and some Bishop Briggs playing while I try to accomplish any semblance of work today.

Just kidding, I got caught up on emails and am getting plenty more done than I expected possible.

Oh and my dad loves his sweatshirt. Bonus.